Saturday, June 16, 2007
TONY'S SOPRANO
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 So earlier this week, whilst I was lucky enough to be so disgustingly ill I got to call in sick for work, I tucked myself into my warm bed and tuned into the 61st Annual Tony Awards as they screened Live on Foxtel. I am what you'd call a Broadway Enthusiast, one who, sadly, does not live in New York and therefor has only really ever seen a small handful of proper Broadway shows (and no matter what anyone tries telling you, the "Dirty Dancing" Musical was NOT a Broadway show.) This has never stopped me from taking an interest in what's actually going on with the razzle dazzle of it all, especially during Tony season.
There were some incredible key moments.
* Grey Gardens' Mary Louise-Wilson picked up the gong for Best performance by a featured Actress in a musical. As she approached the stage, she spat forth the evenings funniest acceptance speech: "You know, when I used to think about ever possibly winning one of these, I wondered if I'd ever feel like there was a mistake maybe. Would I feel that way? And I don't."
* The little gay kid sweet child actor from Ugly Betty introducing a performance by Mary Poppins. Chim-Chimney indeed!
* Spotting Sex & The City star Cynthia Nixon in the audience, looking more like a lesbian now that we're actually aware of how official the news is. Weirdly, she seemed to be displaying some signs of affection toward an attractive man with broad shoulders sitting next to her... what's that all about?!!... Oh.
* Heidi Klum trying to convince people she not only sat through Cats, but did so a total of 13 times. Even Andrew Lloyd Webber was unable to sit through it 13 times you lying bitch! Do you think she's possibly confused Cats with Batman Returns? Or maybe even High School Musical? Or Schindler's List?
* Bebe Neuwirth being FABULOUS whilst presenting an award with the gay from Frasier. I'll leave it up to you to decide which gay I'm talking about.
* Claire Danes frightening the living shit out of everybody with "her" incredibly deep voice. I knew it was deep before, but she seems to have grown about six penises since appearing in The Family Stone back in 2005.
* Coast Of Utopia's Martha Plimpton (pictured, top right). The woman is a highlight in herself and if you're not convinced, watch 200 Cigarettes or Pecker, and only then can you attempt to come back to me with your negativity.
* Vanessa Redgrave and Angela Lansbury: Absolute entertainment royalty. The Murder She Wrote theme song is my ACTUAL ALARM CLOCK TONE. Every morning I jolt out of bed, crippled with the fear of ending up as another victim subjected to the poisonous friendship of Angela Lansbury. Please do not laugh, I have dreamt of that woman about 5 times in my life so I am not actually kidding. I still love the old hag though and am quite aware I'll be using up some of my sick leave the day she karks it.
* Liev Schreiber! Excuse me Liev, why are you dating Naomi Watts? The only things Naomi likes to get intimate with are Nicole Kidman and her hand. Clearly it is you and I who should be dating. kthxbye.
* Jane Krakowski, from one of my favourite new shows of this year, 30 Rock, doing what she does best: comical slut.
* The American Idol winner who's name is not Jennifer Hudson singing a song from The Color Purple Musical. Pretty fucking ace actually, she totally got some serious pipes on her.
* Legally Blonde: The Musical. For crying out loud SOMEONE BRING THIS TO AUSTRALIA.
For the first time in a LONG time I actually enjoyed a televised Awards Ceremony. I was not bored at all! Can you believe that? Do you think it has something to do with me not having seen ANY of the nominated shows? I don't know. I was so excited each time there was a musical number, it was quite literally like the rush you get every time you watch that scene in Mommy Dearest when Faye Dunnaway screams about the wire hangers. Which isn't as good as the "I'm not mad at you Helga, I'm mad at the dirt" line earlier on in the film.
I really wish Broadway was something more people directed attention to in Australia. It appears in bibs and bobs, but not enough to warrant, say, our own Tony Awards. One day I'll fly to New York and sit in on as many Broadway shows as possible, and as many tapings of The View ABC will allow me to (Joy Behar, I love you!) But until that day arrives, I'll just have to settle with a yearly dose of Tony. To quote the fabulous Paul, I am "fizzing at the slit" with excitement for next years event.
Fin.
| COMING UP OVER THE WEEKEND: McFly! Big Brother! Possibly other things! |
Labels: Awards Ceremonies
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Australian MTV VMA's = No Surprises.
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 Fucking hell.
There goes 4 hours of my life I'll never be able to claim back. Not only did I sit through the actual 2007 Australian MTV VMA's, I also managed to survive (barely) the Red Carpet Pre-Show, AND the, er, Red Carpet Post Show.
Have you ever undergone major lung surgery? The kind that disables your general walking abilities for a month, and puts an end to your working and driving privileges for a further six months? Well, I have. And I can tell you right now that if I had the choice of watching the 2007 AVMA's again, or adding another near-death experience to the list of my revolutionary list of health issues, the outcome would most definitely involve a lot of Morphine and a hospital gown, rather than a night of MTV presenters, spreading their infected souls all over our TV screens like some form of digital syphilis.
I love Fergie. Don't get me wrong, the woman is an absolute triumph and has paid a lot of good money to emulate Jack Nicholson in the first Batman movie. Aside from all that, I actually think she's an incredible pop star who's debut solo album should have sold millions more than it did. God bless her soul, she is such a delightful woman that she even agreed to co-host the Australian VMA's with Joel & Benji from Good Charlotte. Equipped with horrifying jokes about "threesomes", "her lovely lady lumps", and a bunch of other stuff I fast forwarded through... Whoever was in charge of writing what went up on the autocue should be doused in petrol, rolled in grams of crystal meth, placed in an empty field and set alight in front of 6,000 schizophrenic amphetamine abusers. I am not. fucking. kidding. Firing them from MTV Australia is simply not enough, they should be dealt with on a terrorism scale.
Perez Hilton was not only presenting an award but co-hosted the Red Carpet Pre-Show with Sophie Monk who - as much as I worship the ground she walks on - still hasn't evolved her general live television being past the rabbit-in-headlights look. Perez called Nicole Ritchie "Zombie hands" on stage and took every opportunity to slam Jared Leto to full effect. Fair enough though, Jared Leto is an absolute fucking wanker. Some street worker from Laguna Beach also presented an award, as did that master of plaigrism Teddy Geiger. It's an incredibly worrying thing when all round cow/Supermodel/part time horse Megan Gale is the most enjoyable and professional presenter the night has to offer. Even Jackie O was a breath of fresh air amongst a bunch of people I'm going to forget the names of the minute I have this xanax. Jackie O!! The Australian TV personality I have spent the last five years fronting a campaign of hate toward! Do you see what this evening was LIKE for me?!
Thankfully, there was minor relief through the night. Four lots of minor relief through a 4 hour 'spectacle' (DOES THAT MAKE IT ONE ENJOYABLE MOMENT PER HOUR??). They were (in no particular order)...
* Sneaky Sound System performing their new single "U.F.O"... Miss Connie is an absolute SUPERSTAR.
* Natalie Bassingthwaighte - she of the Rogue Traders, and James Ash - he of the Rogue Traders, presenting an award. See, I'm not hard to please! Why couldn't they have just enlisted they of the Rogue Traders to host the whole bloody show?!
* Poor Stephanie McIntosh making a fool of herself on national television... again. It's still not as embarrassing as having to admit the sibling connection between her and Jason Donovan, however.
* The whole evening was just so awkward to watch that it actually evoked one enormous burst of hysterical laughter at the two hour mark.
Some advice organisers should take on board for next years event? First of all, instead of paying a fortune for three International Co-Hosts, why not fork out the same amount of cash for a person who's had actual lessons in public speaking and has experience in managing a crowd through speech, rather than random shouts of "yeaaaah, wooohoo!!"? While you're at it, give every single last person at MTV Australia the sack and hire some actual talent. Although that Irish dude can stay because he's not that bad to look at and sounds a bit like Nadine Coyle. At the very least, do something with your auto-cue script writer/s. And by 'something' I mean 'throw them into a swimming pool filled with piranhas, turn around and never look back.'
Labels: Awards Ceremonies, Awful Television
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Giving me the brits
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 This years "exciting" Brit Award nominations have been announced. To say that the entire nation of the United Kingdom shall be fast asleep shortly after it begins is an absolute understatement. Forget Valium, Xanex, Codeine or GHB, if you're one to have fly-by fits of insomnia through the year, just do as I am and get a friend in the UK to tape this years Brit Awards for you. That way, whenever you are unable to sleep, just pop your trusty recording of the 2007 Brit Awards into a "VCR" (!!!!!), and away to the land of dreams you go.
Not surprisingly, Girls Aloud (pictured, right) and the Sugababes have been snubbed. Maybe Girls Aloud can do what they did last year while Brits were on - Come to Australia? And quite surprisingly, McFly have been snubbed as well, an act I was sure were Brit Award darlings up until now. Have a look at the absolute wank found within these nominations and - hey, why not - let's have a chat about each of them.
British Male Solo Artist
James Morrison
Jarvis Cocker
Lemar
Paolo Nutini
Thom Yorke
If Jarvis Cocker doesn't win this I'll be very cross. You would expect to have seen Robbie on there, but apparently - according to the Senior Citizens down at the Brits - "Intensive Care" is an album more worthy of listens than "Rudebox". Even though it is actually his all time worst.
British Female Solo Artist
Amy Winehouse
Corinne Bailey Rae
Jamelia
Lily Allen
Nerina Pallot
Well, this is slightly better. If I were choosing the winners, Amy Winehouse would collect this gong, but it'll either go to Lily Allen or Corinne Boring Rae. I'm not quite sure why Jamelia's been acknowledged - yes, the album and singles have been great but haven't 3 people in total bought them? Well if we're doing that, why is there no nomination for Emma Bunton then?
British Group
Arctic Monkeys
Kasabian
Muse
Razorlight
Snow Patrol
Muse are the only act on there with an actual pop album this year. And they're not even a pop act. No Girls Aloud, no Sugababes, no McFly. How so very sad.
MasterCard British Album
Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
Lily Allen - Alright, Still
Muse - Black Holes & Revelations
Snow Patrol - Eyes Open
Not bad, if not slightly predictable. Where is a nomination for Take That's "Beautiful World" though? Hasn't that been Number #1 in the UK now for 37 years?
British Single
Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On
The Feeling - Fill My Little World
James Morrison - You Give Me Something
The Kooks - She Moves In Her Own Way
Leona Lewis - A Moment Like This
Lily Allen - Smile
Razorlight - America
Sandi Thom - I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
Take That - Patience
Will Young - All Time Love
Oh you're kidding me, right? Sandi 'Fucking' Thom? Leona Lewis? No Girls Aloud then? Again? I am really hoping Take That snatch this award - something tells me they probably will. But something told me Girls Aloud may have received an actual nomination this year as well, so what would I know?
British Breakthrough Act
Corinne Bailey Rae
The Fratellis
James Morrison
The Kooks
Lily Allen
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hopefully Lily will get this one and be disgustingly drunk/gakked when she accepts it.
British Live Act
George Michael
Guillemots
Kasabian
Muse
Robbie Williams
I suppose that is a generally okay list. But they've managed to leave at least another 3 off there, haven't they?
International Male Solo Artist
Beck
Bob Dylan
Damien Rice
Jack Johnson
Justin Timberlake
Beck should win this, but Justin probably will.
International Female Solo Artist
Beyonce
Cat Power
Christina Aguilera
Nelly Furtado
Pink
If Beyonce nabs this award I'll be furious. The only good things she's put her name to since "Crazy In Love" have been "Dreamgirls" and the press release announcing Destiny's Child were to be no more.
International Group
The Flaming Lips
Gnarls Barkley
The Killers
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Scissor Sisters
I really don't want to see Gnarls Barkley win this one. Their album wasn't that bad, but it had some very patchy moments on it. My hopes are on The Flaming Lips & The Killers, but my money is probably on the Scissor Sisters.
International Album
Bob Dylan - Modern Times
Gnarls Barkley - St Elsewhere
Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds
The Killers - Sam's Town
Scissor Sisters - Ta-Dah
Scissor Sisters do NOT deserve an award for THAT album, surely?
International Breakthrough Act
Gnarls Barkley
Orson
The Raconteurs
Ray LaMontagne
Wolfmother
Dear Wolfmother. Please fuck off. xx IAR.
Believe me when I say that a lot of us are VERY ashamed they are from Australia.
Outstanding Contribution To Music
Oasis
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
My question to the folks who put these lists of nominees together each year is: Do the viewers at home receive an award for putting up with an evening of suicidal television? What a painful, painful evening this is panning out to be.
Not as painful as our "beloved" ARIA Awards* though.
*The ARIA Awards are Australia's answer to the Brits. But even shitter. Not only do people selling three records get nominated, but they also win. Hello Clare Bowditch.Labels: Awards Ceremonies, Girls Aloud
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