Fucking hell.

There goes 4 hours of my life I'll never be able to claim back. Not only did I sit through the actual 2007 Australian MTV VMA's, I also managed to survive (barely) the Red Carpet Pre-Show, AND the, er, Red Carpet Post Show.

Have you ever undergone major lung surgery? The kind that disables your general walking abilities for a month, and puts an end to your working and driving privileges for a further six months? Well, I have. And I can tell you right now that if I had the choice of watching the 2007 AVMA's again, or adding another near-death experience to the list of my revolutionary list of health issues, the outcome would most definitely involve a lot of Morphine and a hospital gown, rather than a night of MTV presenters, spreading their infected souls all over our TV screens like some form of digital syphilis.

I love Fergie. Don't get me wrong, the woman is an absolute triumph and has paid a lot of good money to emulate Jack Nicholson in the first Batman movie. Aside from all that, I actually think she's an incredible pop star who's debut solo album should have sold millions more than it did. God bless her soul, she is such a delightful woman that she even agreed to co-host the Australian VMA's with Joel & Benji from Good Charlotte. Equipped with horrifying jokes about "threesomes", "her lovely lady lumps", and a bunch of other stuff I fast forwarded through... Whoever was in charge of writing what went up on the autocue should be doused in petrol, rolled in grams of crystal meth, placed in an empty field and set alight in front of 6,000 schizophrenic amphetamine abusers. I am not. fucking. kidding. Firing them from MTV Australia is simply not enough, they should be dealt with on a terrorism scale.

Perez Hilton was not only presenting an award but co-hosted the Red Carpet Pre-Show with Sophie Monk who - as much as I worship the ground she walks on - still hasn't evolved her general live television being past the rabbit-in-headlights look. Perez called Nicole Ritchie "Zombie hands" on stage and took every opportunity to slam Jared Leto to full effect. Fair enough though, Jared Leto is an absolute fucking wanker. Some street worker from Laguna Beach also presented an award, as did that master of plaigrism Teddy Geiger. It's an incredibly worrying thing when all round cow/Supermodel/part time horse Megan Gale is the most enjoyable and professional presenter the night has to offer. Even Jackie O was a breath of fresh air amongst a bunch of people I'm going to forget the names of the minute I have this xanax. Jackie O!! The Australian TV personality I have spent the last five years fronting a campaign of hate toward! Do you see what this evening was LIKE for me?!

Thankfully, there was minor relief through the night. Four lots of minor relief through a 4 hour 'spectacle' (DOES THAT MAKE IT ONE ENJOYABLE MOMENT PER HOUR??). They were (in no particular order)...

* Sneaky Sound System performing their new single "U.F.O"... Miss Connie is an absolute SUPERSTAR.

* Natalie Bassingthwaighte - she of the Rogue Traders, and James Ash - he of the Rogue Traders, presenting an award. See, I'm not hard to please! Why couldn't they have just enlisted they of the Rogue Traders to host the whole bloody show?!

* Poor Stephanie McIntosh making a fool of herself on national television... again. It's still not as embarrassing as having to admit the sibling connection between her and Jason Donovan, however.

* The whole evening was just so awkward to watch that it actually evoked one enormous burst of hysterical laughter at the two hour mark.

Some advice organisers should take on board for next years event? First of all, instead of paying a fortune for three International Co-Hosts, why not fork out the same amount of cash for a person who's had actual lessons in public speaking and has experience in managing a crowd through speech, rather than random shouts of "yeaaaah, wooohoo!!"? While you're at it, give every single last person at MTV Australia the sack and hire some actual talent. Although that Irish dude can stay because he's not that bad to look at and sounds a bit like Nadine Coyle. At the very least, do something with your auto-cue script writer/s. And by 'something' I mean 'throw them into a swimming pool filled with piranhas, turn around and never look back.'

Labels: Awards Ceremonies, Awful Television

• 3 comments

3 Comments:

• 5:50 AM |  Phil said...
  So this is going down in the anals (sic) of history as rubbish? I hate it when good awards shows turn bad. Mind you, the European version turned bad from day one. None of the top stars in, say, France or Sweden get a look in. So because Tina Arena sells by the truckload in France, or Robyn, the same in Sweden they're left out because America hasn't heard of them.

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• 11:10 AM |  Woodsman said...
  Fucking genius prose IAR - bags me using the roll em in crystal meth line 10x by the end of the day.
  
  My highlight was that Daniel Jones was so completely wasted that he even took a chuppa chup on stage with him and just randomly shrieked "MAD LOVE". Who blames him really though?

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• 10:18 PM |  Adem IAR said...
  Phil: Thing is, the Australian VMA's have NEVER been good either. But - amazingly - they have progressively gotten worse over the years. I find myself filled with more spite and venom toward my fellow Australian with each VMA's. And NO Tina Arena at OUR awards either. The nerve.
  
  Woodsman: The funny thing about that chuppa chup was seeing it in Chris Joannou's mouth during the red carpet arrival. The dirty images running through my head involving Daniel, my darling Chris, a bottle of GHB and a chuppa chup...

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