It seems we are approaching Day 3 (The Day 1 account can be found here) of the nations un-Australian Gretel Killeen Witch-hunt, much to my disgust. It seems that every Big Brother Fansite, every online forum and even a few radio stations are actually continuing with this nonsense requesting Gretel either quit or be fired from her job as Australia's greatest Television Host.

YES. She fucked up on Monday.
YES. Her outfits have not been as memorable *so far* as last year.
YES. She *really* fucked up on Monday.

But for crying out loud, one small fuck up and a few maternity-wear-looking-outfits and that's it, that's the end? We all know she regrets doing what she did on Monday's nominations show, and we also know that the amazing gown she has planned for the Big Brother Finale is going to, quite literally, BLOW OUR MINDS AWAY, so why the CONSISTENT HOSTILITY?

Did anyone catch that moron Michael last night on Rove? Claiming Mike Goldman or Fryzie (!!!!!!!) would do a better job at hosting Big Brother than Gretel? So how are we going to come to a decision on this one Australia: Who is going to host Big Brother next year? Let's try and figure out which one is going to lose the LEAST amount of hair by next year, and give them the job? ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL??

I do know one thing. If they decide next year Gretel will have nothing to do with the show, I will not be watching, nor will many of my friends and family. We all tune in every year purely because of Gretel. Hell, It's why I started watching it from the word go. And if she's gone, so am I.

ISN'T THIS ALL JUST SO TERRIBLE?! And I am not ashamed to say that I indeed lost quite a lot of sleep last night because I was worried about Gretel's job, even though I'm very well aware that Gretski works for 10, will always have a job with them and is currently writing a drama series for them which will, no doubt, be the greatest thing to ever appear on Australian Television (aside from, of course, the woman herself).

I'm going to leave you with some words of wisdom I managed to find (amongst pages and pages of terror and utter bullshit) over on the BehindBigBrother.com forums, from a wise person who has a picture of Ellen DeGeneres as their avatar and goes by the name of D.J. Rocksa:

"Everyone here is constantly bashing Gretel, talking about her age and physical appearance throughout the years. People are always talking about her incompetence as a host, yet the only actual thing that anyone is able to talk about is what happened with Michael over the last two days.

Please, could someone give me actual examples of her poor hosting when it comes to other housemates, most of whom seem to really enjoy talking to her?

I would also like to know if Michael would have this opinion of replacing Gretel before he entered the house."

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Over the weekend, I popped out for a few hours to check out local Geelong band

were, in the words of Lisa Scott-Lee (?!), "electric". They even had an 'electric' guitar (do you see what I did there?)!! There was even a keyboard. Played by a female! For goodness sake there was even a real LIVE Harmonica involved. ISN'T THAT SIMPLY AMAZING?!!?!?!?!

The excitement was all a bit too much for me and I had to leave immediately after they finished. This had nothing to do with the fact that I felt a bit like Robert Downey Jnr. on what he may have once referred to as a "good day", after downing 2 Panadeine Forte's for my tonsillitis and "accidently" finishing 2 glasses of something from the bar. As a result of this, any attempts at after-show flash photography went out the window, along with my dignity and ability to walk in a straight line.

Here is the last photograph taken by myself prior to leaving the gig.

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So I have avoided making any mention of this years brilliant Australian Big Brother, purely because there are so many other sites (such as Ausculture) doing a much better job of the coverage than I ever could.

But after tonight's Gretel vs Michael incident on the Live Nominations Show, I have to step up and say something.

Bless Gretel for thinking with her heart instead of her head. You could honestly see that, deep down, she really felt that Big Brother would not dodge about with 'crafty editing', even though he very much did.

On Sunday, when the clip in question (Michael supposedly kissing David) was shown, do you seriously think Gretel was even watching? Surely she was getting her gown brushed down or getting a powder touch-up (we'll let you decide what kind of 'powder'). Yes, she jumped down Michael's throat but, quite frankly, don't you think he deserved it? Even though he was COMPLETELY in the right and Gretel was very much in the wrong, that was a lashing most of Australia was itching for Michael to receive whilst he was in the house, so why not when he made it out?

He was a rude bastard and a complete cunt to Gretel on eviction night too, he's a good actor so maybe he should have at least pretended to be somewhat of a nice person when he got out.

People over on the behindbigbrother.com forums are actually calling on Gretel to quit, as if she's a member of parliament or something.

Can you seriously imagine Big Brother without Gretel? Are you people absolutely fucking insane?

Obviously, you are. There would be no Big Brother without Gretel, end of story. Have you all forgotten how brilliantly she handled the Merlin incident a few years ago? What a cockhead he was, and yet she still delivered the remains of the evening with such spark and spunk.

I'll hear none of this Gretel bashing.

It's absolutely not on and completely un-Australian.

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CD SINGLE OF THE WEEK
MIND ELECTRIC'S "DIRTY CASH (MONEY TALKS)"
Label: Vicious Grooves
Purchase: Online from Sanity.com.au
Online: Vicious.com.au
Overall Grade: A-

I usually don't get very excited about epic club classics being covered or remixed to suit today's club circles. But you see, this remake tends to retain as much of the original as possible.

Melbourne dance music label Vicious have, over the years, delivered some absolute pearlers, and while I still haven't forgiven them for that horrific Vandalism track, an unnecessary cover of one of the most magnificent 80's pop songs, Romeo Void's "Never Say Never", this nifty little reswizzle of the original Stevie V late 80's club classic "Dirty Cash (Money Talks)" almost makes up for it.

Absolute corker this one is. And although the Original version on this single is rather dazzling, you simply cannot go past the beauty of the 'Alternative Mix', which sounds like it's been ripped right out of 1995, but somehow managing to sound as fresh and new as the other mixes. The Dirty South Remix is pretty darn good too.

Not as special as the original, but bloody well close.

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You know, for weeks I've been planning a regular 'thing' to go on the site called "Terrific Tuesday".

I've finally decided to get off my arse and actually put it live to air.

Each and every Tuesday here at IAR, starting from this week, I'll be selecting the 'cream of the crop' in all things Musical, Filmed and, er, musical (!?).

Each week, in a new feature entitled "Tightarse Terrific Tuesday" I'll proudly display an Album or Compilation of the Week, a Single of the Week and either a DVD or Movie-at-the-movie's of the week.

Hopefully it will encourage you all to hop along and enjoy the feasts as much as I have "in the past week".

If you have watched a movie, seen a TV Show, read a book even (!!) or heard a song/compilation/album you think I might like, drop me a line - I can't always be on top of these things y'know?!

Feel free to email me to find out where you can send free stuff as well!

Hurrah!!


COMPILATION OF THE WEEK
ULTRA ELECTRO (2 CD SET)
Label: Ultra Recordings
Purchase: Online from Sanity.com.au
Online: Streaming Mini-Mix Available
Overall Grade: A-

It reads like a who's who of Electro & House. Tiefschwarz, Gorillaz, Eric Prydz, Soulwax, Digitalism, Freeform Five, Jacques Lu Cont, Daft Punk, Royksopp, Trentemoller, DFA, Goldfrapp and Tocadisco are just some of the artists with either tracks or remixes featured on this chunky 2 disc set. Mixed to a fine perfection, as you would imagine everything flows quite magically, making this the perfect CD to own, especially gearing yourself up for the hussle and bussle of getting ready to go out on a Friday Night. Simply Superb.


DVD OF THE WEEK
CHRIS LILLEY'S "WE CAN BE HEROES"
Label: ABC DVD
Order: Online at EzyDVD
Online: ABC TV Micro-Site
Overall Grade: A+

The funniest piece of Australian Television in a very long time. This is our answer to Little Britain. Chris Lilley, one of our countries most prized talents, takes on the roles of five very extraordinary Australian's. Ja'mie is a 16 year old popular high school student who holds the national record for most African Children Sponsored through World Vision (no less than 85, none of whom she knows the real names of, "I call this one Usher because, like, he's hot like Usher!"), Phil - a former policeman who saved 9 children from a near fatal Jumping Castle Accident, Ricky Wong - a Chinese Science Master who's love for the stage is causing great conflict between himself and his strict father, Pat - a physically challenged athlete with a heart of gold, and Daniel - an outback teen giving his deaf brother his eardrum in a world medical first. This rip snorting mockumentary is several billion shades of genius, Lilley makes you actually fall in love with most of these characters, even though they're all (excluding Pat) really fucking annoying. The DVD has sold out all over the country, but if you pre-order from EzyDVD you should be able to get onto one soon.


CD SINGLE OF THE WEEK
SEPTEMBER'S "SATELLITES"
Label: Ministry Of Sound Australia

Purchase: Online from Sanity.com.au
Online: Info @ LastFM
Overall Grade: A

For some reason the Swedish Beauty that is September has decided to give it a go Down Under. This CD came out last week and, much like Lisa Scott-Lee, has not even penetrated the Australian Top 50 charts. This is a bit wrong, don't you think? One listen to this number (which very loosely samples The Jackson's "Can You Feel It?") will have you dancing about and wishing it were, indeed, er, September.

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Monday, May 15, 2006 Zzzzzzzzzzz'ing With The "Stars"

I like Shane Warne. I really do.

He's a bit of a dickhead when it comes to women but, you know, he's sort of a funny one at times too.

One look at Shane's future ex-wife, Simone Warne, and you could almost forgive him for screwing around on her a total of 624 times. What a fucking bland, boring and monotone mole she is.

My hatred for Simone began shortly after Dancing With The Stars began this year. Anyone who saw even five minutes of footage containing Simone on the show simply cannot make any other claim that doesn't include the line "Well, honestly, she put me to sleep".

But today I'm here to discuss Simone's "latest" interview with New Idea Magazine. This particular interview marks her 8,937th interview with the rag in less than 2 months. Apparently, Simone claims she'll "revert to my maiden name as soon as the divorce is finalized, and wipe all traces of him from my life."

Does "all traces of him from my life" include any of the money he plans on giving her in the divorce?

I didn't think so.

What on EARTH would we do in this country without the classy journalism featured in such women's mags as New Idea and Woman's Day?

BONUS! Take a look at Warney parading about in rather thought provoking tighty-whitey underdacks whilst "entertaining" some unknown Aussie beauties! Photo 1 | Photo 2 | Photo 3 | Photo 4

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7 Most Recently Added...

I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates over the last few weeks. In between losing EVERYTHING from my server, to having to try and find everything such as old images, the logo, old pages etcetera, in order to re-upload everything, to even more server/blogger bullshit, it's been a bit of a task to even keep the site online.

Over the next few months there are going to be some changes. One of them will be the site moving to new Head Quarters. Not only that, but the site will be given a name change. What I'll be doing is relaunching the website as Professional Distortion, which is the name of my Weekly Friday Night pop & electro radio program.

When the site is relaunched, you'll be able to start downloading previous episodes of the show with full tracklistings. You'll also be able to contribute to the show with requests, recommended topics of discussion and all that other crap. But that's not for a while. Anywho, in a few days I'm hoping to have a mailing list set up so you can all receive the adequate updates when the move happens.

Now. Do you run your own website? Are you STILL Stuck for ideas as to what you should tripe on about this week? Why not tell everyone what the latest additions to your iPod are!!?!?11! AGAIN!!!

DANGEROUS MUSE - ALL YOURS (THE DOCTOR)
It was only a matter of time before Dangerous Muse made their way onto my radio show Professional Distortion, so naturally they've found their way onto my iPod. This is such a corker. The perfect blend of minimal electro beats and a rather brilliant pop feel, it's any wonder these boys, consisting of two members named Mike (pictured to your right) and Tom, are currently the biggest thing being spoken about in all corners of the pop universe. They've just been signed to Sire Records, a division of Warner Music, the same company that gave Madonna her big break, and are set to explode through out the year. My infatuation with the boys is only strengthened with these photos... Vocalist Mike is probably the hottest guy I've seen photographed all year.


LILLIX - SWEET TEMPTATION
Those CFBGoesPop girls introduced this DOWNRIGHT AMAZING POP-ROCK track to me last week, and when I finally gave it a whirl, I actually fell off my chair. This is almost as good as "Maneater"! Tremendous vocals, awesome lyrics and the biggest fuck-off chorus included in any song all year so far... This is probably Nelly Furtado's first real threat as a contender for Single of the year.


ANNIE - THE CRUSH
Bubblegum Electro-pop goddess Annie goes punk-pop. Genius. And all done in just over 2 minutes.


PARIS HILTON - I WANT YOU
Someone somewhere has the original version of Paris' ace "Screwed", and yet for some reason it has STILL not been leaked, almost a whole 2 years later. That ridiculous Alex G Dance Version is EVERYWHERE, but no, not the brilliant guitar-ridden original. Thank the heavens then, that Paris' upcoming debut album is said to have "Screwed" in its original form. Sadly, it seems there's only about 2 more songs on the album worth even mentioning. "I Want You" doesn't exactly stand up to her critics and say "I told you I can sing", far from it, but it does sample the riff from "Grease (Is The Word)", which, in turn, makes this a pretty awesome number.


SANDY MOUCHE - IN THE SAND
Catchy Tunes Of Sweden had this track up on their site a while back, with the instructions to not download it due to its addictivenes. I didn't listen to the warning and downloaded it, but I actually forgot all about it until very recently. Tender, sweet, and as addictive as crack cocaine.


HOT CHIP - ARREST YOURSELF
The new Hot Chip album "The Warning" is easily the 3rd best album of the year so far. This is one of the many reasons why.


LILY ALLEN - EVERYTHING'S JUST WONDERFUL
Like Dangerous Muse, Lily Allen is the latest internet buzz star. We're not going to go too much into how brill she is (because literally everyone else already is), but this song is such a nice summer anthem. If only it would stop raining in Melbourne so I could enjoy it a tiny bit more.

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Monday, May 01, 2006 Future Looks "a bit shit".

Surely Madonna knows that "Future Lovers" is indeed the absolute WORST piece of music she has ever created, right?

Then why is it, oh dear readers, that she's opening her Confessions Tour with said horrific track? This truly baffles me.

You know, maybe we're lucky she's not bothering with coming to Australia if she's going to just sing any old crap as an opener.

(This slight outburst has nothing to do with the fact that I may be slightly pissed off the silly cow seems to not care much about the Australian market. Not at all. You've forgotten about us several times now Madonna, is Australia really THAT unimportant? If that's the case, maybe we should all stop buying your records then.)

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