To our friends at Channel 10,

When is Australian Princess coming back to our screens? I don't think I can wait for Idol to finish - this needs to happen in the next month or else I'm going to give up complete hope on your network ever being watchable. Now that Australian Idol has officially become more painful to watch than this years Big Brother, I'd just like to know whether or not you guys plan on lifting your game at all? Once a station that was best described as the New Weekly of Television, now threatens to declare itself as a copy of the shittest street press newspaper you've ever seen.

On top of this Idol fiasco, such "quality" programs as The Wedge and David Tench Tonight are causing the most horrific of migranes at the mere thought of their presence. A migrane which insane doses of valium and xanex can only repair. I've had to down half a bottle of each just to write this letter without passing out from the pain.

First, there's Idol. Let's get this very clear: Mark Holden should not be on Television. His place is in a padded cell. What on earth is that man saying half the time? Is he a massive Wiggles fan? Because this is the only excuse one can come up with for the way he speaks. "Googedy-giggly", "Wackity-boom-bam"... what's next, "Zig-a-zig-ah"?? People who are in clear need of refreshing their High School VCE skills should not be allowed on television. Then there's that fucking maggot Lisa Mitchell, boring the country to death one by one by with each strum of that bloody guitar. And what WAS with her ratty hair on last nights originals show? She thinks she's Bjork, doesn't she? She needs a hard slap right across the face. Maybe even a kick to the back of the knees as well. At least Kyle Sandilands and Marcia Hines are on this show to (barely) save the day. Actually, could Marcia win the competition this year? I have no interest in any of the others left winning this competition, is there any way we can vote for her?

Then there is The Wedge. Which, I'm told, is supposed to be a comedy. I have not laughed once whilst watching it. Even the delightful Julia Zemiro cannot save this show. And now there are DVD's being released? IS THIS FOR REAL? Where are your execs getting this high-class Cocaine from, because I'd like to get some - it's obviously really bloody good.

What about David Tench Tonight? Well, it just so happens to be the biggest embarrassment on Channel 10 since 9AM With David & Kim - it's pointless. HE IS NOT REAL. WHY ARE THESE CELEBRITIES PRETENDING HE IS? WHY DIDN'T NELLY FURTADO SCREAM WHEN APPROACHED? WHY DID MICK MOLLOY AGREE TO BE INTERVIEWED (Yes, he had a film to promote, but you're supposed to promote such things on shows people actually watch.)? At least Georgie Parker did the right thing and got blind drunk before coming on the show - something that seems to happen every time she appears on television. God bless her. Is an abundance of alcohol in her contract? I'm curious to know, I'd like to hire her for a function one day and need to know what her requirements are.

And finally, there's 9AM With David & Kim. David Reyne is either constantly complaining about the clothes the stylist has put him in, or talking about his trouser snake and balls bulging through his pants every day. And poor Kim Watkins, a consistently frigid look on her face, living in fear that David is going to ram his trouser snake right up her arse. This is more than car crash television - It is like watching the early stages of the Gulf War EVERY SINGLE MORNING. And let's not even get into that terrible Celebrity Poker Show you forced down our throats last night. Mike Goldman hosting? Was everyone else busy? Where were Bree and Fryzie? Why is Vesna not hosting every single television show on your network yet? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Finally, so you don't think I just about hate everything your network stands for, Jennifer Adams and the Real Stories crew are just about the best thing on television at the moment (Andy Lee is also very easy on the eyes), and Ryan Phelan is quite lovely to look at. He wasn't on Sports Tonight Tuesday Night though, which pissed me right off. Thankfully, Tim Webster was not his replacement. He looks like Ron Moss in about 40 years time, not a sight one wants before hopping into bed for the night.

Please Channel 10, for the love of god, do something about this. You used to be the best free-to-air network in Australia. Now no one holds the title. Thank goodness for VH1 and E! over on Foxtel.

Regards,
Adem IAR.

PS: I miss Gretel. =(

• 2 comments

2 Comments:

• 10:25 AM |  Woodsman said...
  I vote IAR. Truly brilliant. I cant believe Ally and Abby joining Vesna hosting these programs???
  Imagine being a poor celebrity coming to Oz - Rove and David Tench - i can see why Madge didnt want to come.

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• 12:26 PM |  Hules said...
  You are a breath of fresh air.
  
  What really strummed my heart-strings was your heartfelt and impassioned admission that you miss Gretel.
  
  I too miss Gretel.
  
  When I'm trashed I get "Gretel Eye" and one of my eyes appears slightly askew.
  
  Anyway I wholeheartedly agree. I only watch 10 for "It's Me or the Dog".

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