Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Candle In The Wind
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 As the final episode of this years most intriguing television program, Australian Princess, started to screen, there was somewhat of a dense confusion parading itself through the room. We were heartbroken that our Wednesday nights would have that certain spark missing after the hour was through, but were ecstatic to no end that we wouldn't have to look at Jackie O again for a very long time.
Yes, it really was an evening of mixed emotions, not only for us - but obviously the girls as well. Mare Winningham Wendy, Ally and CrAbby - our final 3, opened the episode by attending a final breakfast with a disturbingly relaxed Paul Burrel, and Jean, looking like the divine leathery turtle that she is. Paul then gave the girls some, quite obviously, heavily thought out gifts (silver fucking spoons), and Jean trolloped on about something unimportant.
All fairly uneventful until the "beaus" came to pick up their "Ladies". Alex - the rather hot blonde one, took Ally - everyone's favourite Kelly Slater fanatic, for a walk through "Goat shit", as she so eloquently put it. God awful Harry took the god awful Crabby for a garden walk. We cannot deny the excitement was of the highest order when Harry mentioned he had a gift for our dear Crabby - it really DID feel like it was going to end in the same way Kylie & Nick Cave's "Where the wild roses grow" video clip.
But no, It actually managed to end better. Harry gave Crabby a pen. A PEN. She didn't seem too impressed either. Probably because it was A PEN.
A FUCKING PEN!
Someone give this man his own sitcom!!
While Crabs had to settle with her shitty writing device, the delightful Ally got diamond jewels, and St Elmo's Fire star Mare Whinningham Wendy managed to score some vintage red wine and a few books on the subject from Phillip. She loved it - and we did too, purely because we all know it was probably worth a lot more than the crustaceans pen.
That's right, A PEN.
Each girl, whilst still with their beau, received a phone call of best wishes from the horrendously grotesque Prince Marek. This prompted Ally, when explaining the conversation to Alex, to stumble so badly with her words, it was quite possibly better than Wendy's "Jean's an old thing" comment from a few weeks back:
"A prince rang me on MY phone!! And I sounded like a coc - a dic - an idiot!! (laughs)"
What an absolute champion. She then cemented her position in our legendary books after commenting on Phillip's ballroom dancing, saying "he was dancing like he had something stuck up his arse", followed by calling James Whitaker a "pervert".
Things only got better as the hour progressed, with each girl - in front of the other two - asked to discuss the weak points of their fellow competitors, and then announcing which of the slags they think deserves the title the least. Of course, Crabby started crying (and no, It wasn't cute like when Laura K did it), we're not sure why this time - but what we ARE quite certain about is that this bitch cries too much. Probably because the last gift she received from someone was a pen.
A FUCKING PEN!
After all that, our apprentice Princesses dressed up in their god-awful home-designed gowns (Seriously... what the FUCK where they thinking?), in preparation for the final ball, ruffled against each other as they hugged and stood in the middle of a lawn with Jackie O as she told them how proud they should be of themselves, and how they had accomplished so much.
Like what Jackie? Let us take a gander at some of these amazing accomplishments they underwent whilst on the show.
- They learnt how to clean silverware.
- They made some dish out of pig intestines.
- They learnt how to throw a royal lunch.
- They learnt how to "design" their own "gowns".
- They learnt how to use a GHD hair straightener. (Slightly important)
- They learnt how to make 'royal' tea.
- They learnt of proper cocktail party etiquette. (What?)
- They learnt how to sail a boat.
- They learnt how to handle the media.
- They learnt the basics of playing Polo.
- They learnt how to peal a banana with a knife.
Wow. These are certainly the kind of accomplishments to be proud of, aren't they Jackie?
But then again, anything would be an accomplishment for a woman who fucked her way into working on radio, married her co-host and propelled herself into fame in such a dirty way that Eva Peron's sexual claw up the status ladder looks like a passing topic on Sesame Street.
A woman who was once described to us during a dinner conversation (with a member of a rather popular girl band starting with "B" and ending with "ot" that she helped "create"), as the most "Vile, disgusting, repulsive and slug-like woman I have met in my life. She's a fucking slut." A woman who was rightfully slandered by Frenzal Rhomb, and a woman who makes her co-host, Kyle Sandliands, seem like Jesus incarnate.
Jackie O - your vision of "accomplishment" is nothing short of discombobulated, because we do not see how any of these girls will benefit from any of the listed "accomplishments" unless they already own themselves, or plan to own in the future, a GHD hair straightener. (However, as much as we love to dislike you, we still think your big red phone from Popstars 3 was one of Australian televisions greatest, most historical and pinnacle moments ever, and for that we'll forever forgive you for being a bit crap.)
After the girls were congratulated on their "accomplishments" over the last 8 episodes, Jackie announced that Crabby would be heading home, leaving Ally & Wendy as the final 2.
Thank Christ for that.
Then began more tears - more complaining. Crabby launched into this whole song and dance about how she had given up so much to be there - financially and mentally blah blah blah, and how all things happen for a reason etc etc. But at least she didn't walk away empty handed. For god sakes, she has that LOVELY NEW PEN!
A FUCKING PEN!
It all ended with Ally and Wendy laughing an incredible amount at pretty much everything they saw/heard/said. As the girls entered the ballroom, it occurred to us that something was, indeed, missing.
WHERE IN THE FUCK WAS JANE FERGUSON?
She's been absent for weeks - did she die? Is she a Missing Person? What's going on? WE DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE JANE HAS GONE.
The complete dismay and horror of all this overshadowed the fact that dear Ally was crowned Australian Princess for us, but there you go. Honestly, we're quite happy Wendy didn't win - because really, that's what everyone expected to happen. We are still quite bitter that Laura K was robbed of the title which was rightfully hers, but at least Abby got sent home with her luggage and a pen.
A FUCKING PEN!
So as the royal drama came to a close, we sat and thought: "If there was to be an Australian Princess next year (which is more than likely not going to be due to mediocre ratings), how could Channel 10 make it better than it was this year?"
We wrote these down shortly after:
- Replace Jackie O with Gretel Killeen. God only knows it has been the most horrible 3 months without her on our television screens. Maybe getting her to host will also add some much needed (cl)ass to the program. And could you just imagine the eliminations? Her gowns would be better than ANY of theirs. She truly is the nations REAL princess.
- Let US vote for who should win. This will make more money for Channel 10, and allow us to actually feel somewhat responsible for the outcome. (As if Laura K wouldn't have won if that had been the case?)
- We need a Monday night special, "Princess Uncut". This will also be hosted by Gretel.
- If Gretel says no, get Suzi Wilks. We really miss her.
We wonder if they'll take any of this on board?
 OMGWTFBBQ?! WIN!!! Thanks to our awesome friends at Shock Distribution, you could win yourself a copy of Australian Princess on DVD (no, really). Competition closes on December the 13th 2005, and to win this amazing prize, all you have to do is email us at medication@inthemix.com.au and tell us in however-many-words-you-wish, where you think Jane Ferguson has gone.
The best entry will win themselves the DVD prize. The second best entry will win themselves this:
A FUCKING PEN!
7 Comments:
- 8:18 PM | Alyson with a Y said...
Give it time, Australia's funniest Pens is only four years away from Channel 9!
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- 12:44 PM | Woodsman said...
Can someone please nominate Ally for Australian of the Year. Her comments post winning about the butler boy being a moody bitch was sheer gold.
I also must say that was the single most enjoyable Blog post i have read.
The literary highlight being:
"But then again, anything would be an accomplishment for a woman who fucked her way into working on radio, married her co-host and propelled herself into fame in such a dirty way that Eva Peron's sexual claw up the status ladder looks like a passing topic on Sesame Street."
Give this boy a Pulitzer.
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- 1:56 PM | im-always-right.com said...
Why thank you kindly Woodsman, if we ever win it, we'll take you out to dinner for being the first to suggest said gong.
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- 10:30 PM | nazmoo said...
that post was seriously one of the funniest things i've read in a long time. i'll never get tired of your writing!
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- 4:38 PM | Jess said...
I'm a little late with this but...
... THAT WAS GENIUS.
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- 12:06 PM | A said...
Umm...HI this is "CRabby" here. A friend of mine showed me this blog and together we pissed outselves. Even I thought it was funny, (inbetween all of my crying and whinning)...Gotta say that this is one of the funniest blogs I've read on the topic also! Thanks for the laugh. X Abby. P.S Nope I don't have that bloody pen anymore..god only knows where I left it!...
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- 12:57 PM | im-always-right.com said...
ABBY!!
My response can be found here:
http://www.imalwaysright.co.uk/2006/06/maybe-i-was-wrong-about-you-abby.html
xxx
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