Friday, October 21, 2005
Princess' hate the faggots
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 How exciting was this weeks Australian Princess?!
Well, not much, but nonetheless, entertaining.
We were introduced to Jackie O's pet dog Molly, who suspiciously does NOT look like the same dog she left on the roof of her car in those stupid car adverts. Is it dead? Did she leave it on the car again - and this time it fell off and was hit by Andrew G's car? Or has she eaten it during a bizarre ritual involving re-runs of Cybil and a needle filled with smack? We will never know.
But this week, it truly was all about Zena A. Not only does her voice sound like that of the love-child belonging to Melanie C and a Chalkboard, but she just so happens to be deaf in one ear. Now we love Marlee Matlin just as much as the next person, but her 'voice' is endearing - and quite inappropriately funny. However if Zena's voice had a "feeling", that feeling would most certainly be that of having your scrotum or labia violently hacked at by a cheese grater.
The remaining eight Princesses were then instructed to get out of a car correctly (we were shocked that tumbling out was not satisfactory, how on earth has Fergie been getting away with it for so long?), and were shown how one removes and hands the butler their coat. Of course, things turned rather pear-shaped, resulting in a sleeve (YES, A SLEEVE!!! HOW PREPOSTEROUS!) almost falling to the ground during the passover.
We know. We were just as horrified as Jean.
The girls were then taken to their first press conference, where Zena A made a fucking falafel of herself by answering every question with "That is irrelevant". Could Zena be the Laura Gissara of Australian Princess? We're starting to think so.
Then, off to the Ronald McDonald House, to read "The Ugly Duckling" to some kids. It was with that announcement, Zena A and her obvious excitement, came out with this:
"So many people out there would love the chance to, you know, go see some little kids."
If by "so many people", she means "The Jackson Family", then yes, we see her point.
Our ladies were then taken to Charlie Brown, to handpick some dresses for a formal dinner with some Princess named Tamara. (You can only imagine our disappointment when it actually WAS a Princess Tamara, and not actually Tamara Jabber.) Zena A picked a dress that Abby later wanted to wear as well. In a true Single-White-Female fashion, Zena A displayed her anger in a cold and stern way. She then went on to say how excited she was to be shopping at Charlie Brown's store, as she had read their book...
"Oh no... sorry, that's Bobby Brown..."
TAKE A LOOK AT THAT!! Bobby Brown?! This has simply got to be the most fucking fantastic television show in the world right now.
The girls then took a cooking lesson, in making faggots. Again, we were left bitterly disappointed when it was revealed that 'faggots' were actually some form of Scottish pig heart delicacy. Zena A triped on about how she felt like she was going to vomit when she ate them, but we were more surprised at the knowledge she still had gag reflexes.
Some haircut makeovers 'went down', some of them looked good and others, quite shit. Time for the dinner party, and guest of honor Princess Tamara (who's the cousin of someone's brother or some sod like that) welcomed the ladies, with our dear Wendy somehow still managing to look like she'd been plucked straight from a wheelbarrow in Moe. Bless. Ally then complained about not being able to hook into her prawn without a knife - apparently using a knife was not on during this 'stage' of the meal. This was, clearly, a big problem for Ally, as she wasn't giving up a "free prawn". Eventually she saw Princess Tamara tucking into her food with a knife, and butchered into the prawn. Hurrah.
Zena M - Australian Princess' answer to Big Brother's Vesna, said some very funny things, and also looked quite stunning with her new straightened hair. It's amazing what a hair straightener can do, isn't it?
Laura K - former stripper and IAR favourite, paraded around looking fabulous for the whole episode, and her brilliant sunglasses made another cameo appearance. Thank goodness for that.
Slightly annoyed Jane Ferguson's screentime ran for a total of 30 seconds, but really, with the amount of Zena A gold they had to screen, it's very evident that it was more than necessary.
Sadly, Zena A was shipped home this week. Bittersweet victory really...
2 Comments:
- 5:47 PM | Woodsman said...
Australian Princess is almost as good as Breakers.
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